One Year

One year did not make it easier, or more bearable. One year did not make my heart heal or put happiness back in my soul. What one year did do was make me realize how strong I am.

What one year did was show me that I am capable of making it. I am able to survive without you, even though I do not like to.

There have been tough times. There have been times where I’ve broken down and begged God to bring you back. The constant questioning of why I have to stay here without you has broken my heart day after day. But I’ve done it. I’ve survived 365 days.

I must remember, though, that I am not alone. I have felt you by my side numerous times. I remember the small pieces of you that you leave me along the way. Throughout my day, I see you in everything I do, and it puts me at peace.

I have made it. I have told myself that a life without you, though it pains me so, is still a life worth living. I advocate for you, and I promised that I will never let the world forget who you were, or forget what you did for me. Thank you for everything you did, and are still doing, for me.

Thank you for giving me your midnights, and for sharing your home. Thank you for the friends that I have right this moment that I will never forget. Thank you for your heart, and for your laughter. Thank you for karaoke on Sunday’s and for the happiness in your voice when I arrived to your house. The love you showed me will never leave my heart, and the kind of love I have for you will never compare to another.

If you knew the amount of love you had here, if you knew the hearts and souls of the people who you left behind, then maybe you would have never left us. If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever and a day, because you had so much of it here.

Thank you for the lessons you taught me. I am now a stronger and more passionate person because I knew you. Though you may be gone physically, you are never truly gone. I see you in everything I do. I see you in the songs I sing on car rides, and the Friday nights I spend with my best friends (that I have now because of you).

Thank you, friend. I am happy to have known you. Even after a year, with the heaviest my heart has ever been, I am happy to have had someone in my life worth missing so much.

And I do miss you oh, so much.

 

 

 

Making Progress

Featured image by bladespark.deviantart.com

It has been a while since I’ve written. Winter is one of the seasons where things tend to become harder for me, and the tiredness comes so naturally. The weather brings about memories that are bittersweet. Winter is a time where I feel a lack of progress. But today, it became a little easier.

I got out of bed; I made progress.

I brushed my teeth, combed my hair, and took my medicine; I made progress.

I went to every single one of my classes today and had the homework ready to turn in; that’s progress.

I came home and remembered to eat before work; progress.

I’m writing this; and this is progress. 

You see, making progress doesn’t have to be joining every organization on campus, or doing a whole semester’s worth of homework in one night. Progress can be making that phone call to order food, even when you have severe phone anxiety. It can be making your bed in the morning, wearing jeans to class, showering when you wake up, or texting the friend you always keep forgetting to text.

My progress today was easier, but there’s no promise that tomorrow will be the same. I’ve been in situations where I’ve stepped back from progress. I’ve missed classes from not being able to move from bed. I’ve avoided situations that needed my attention because the anxiety became unbearable. I’ve even overworked because of anxiety, which sounds wild, but it’s happened.

We have to remember that we are not in a race with others. Just because someone is excelling in their field does not mean you aren’t. Just because someone got that internship doesn’t mean you will never get one.  Progress is not a race.

Sometimes I forget that. I forget that I am on a completely different path than others, just like everyone else is. We all are doing our best to make it, and it falls easier to some than it does to others. It may be easy for him to wake up early and go on a jog, but maybe he struggles to fall asleep. It may be easy for her to finish her math homework in twenty minutes, but maybe history class isn’t her strong suit.

I may be bad at being on time, but I showed up. That’s progress.

Don’t let someone else’s achievements mark where your are, or where yours should be. Take your own steps, be in your own race, progress at your own speed, because we are all just trying to make it to the finish line.

 

 

 

OCD and Eating Disorders: Combined

I had the privilege to interview a very close friend of mine about something that was brought to my attention that I didn’t even know was happening. I knew about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and I knew about eating disorders, but I did not even think about the mental and physical hardships that happen when you combine the two. Thankfully, I was able to sit down with Mary Venir* and talk to her about her struggle balancing both illnesses and the stigma around them.

I started off asking about her experiences with OCD and an eating disorder. “It’s one of those things where growing up, OCD runs in my family. My OCD manifested through disorderly eating. I had to look up how many calories I consumed, then write them down, then check again, and repeat the cycle.” She said she would stay up late, checking her BMI and making sure she was the perfect height and weight. “I needed constant reassurance, and people got sick if giving it to me.” She would ask her mom, “Mom, do you love me? Mom, am I fat?”

Mary gave up the foods that she considered “bad”. She stopped eating meat and chocolate, and if she ate things that were on her “bad list”, her thoughts would spiral deeper. “I didn’t fit any of the criteria for an eating disorder,” Venir told me. “I didn’t have depression or anxiety that follow eating disorders, I don’t engage in the behaviors, the normal treatment I should’ve gotten was never given to me since I didn’t fit the pattern.” The term for an eating disorder that is not specified when you don’t have anorexia or bulimia is known as EDNOS.

Along with the OCD, Mary will have other problems that don’t necessarily go along with an eating disorder. “I’ll think I have bed bugs or lice, I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and research those for hour on Wikipedia. I’ll call my mom six times for reassurance.”

I asked Mary if anyone on the outside was noticing her struggle. “You can tell through my photos back in 2014. It looked as if I was hollowed out. I was supposed to be weighing between 135-150 pounds. I weighed 98 pounds. I was proud of it, too.” She said her friends would notice and say things about it. “I would use the opportunities when I was sick to not eat again. Friends told me I needed to gain weight, and that it wasn’t a good thing that my entire spine was visible.” Her mom even was aware of how she was behaving with OCD, even though it wasn’t the ‘stereotypical’ way you’d view OCD. “People expect it to be organizing or something, when it’s also checking Wikipedia about the bug bite on your leg and making sure it’s not a fire ant or something.”

Mary later on started working on her eating disorder. “Eating food, which was rough,” she said. “Starting to talk about it, rather than keeping it to myself, helped my friends hold me accountable.” She started eating right and exercising healthily, but seeing the things that say “love your body” never helped, because she thought she had worked hard on her body with the eating disorder. There are things other people are able to do, but Mary still struggles with. “I have my doctor block out my weight on my information sheets, I don’t weight myself, and I don’t trust myself enough to go through cleanses.” She started reintroducing herself to those “bad list” foods, and she even was able to associate food with positive connotations because of the way her boyfriend’s family sits down for home style meals. “Food becomes a thing that is eating together because we love each other, and they do it with healthy foods, too. It’s different than the kind of setting I was raised in.”

One of the final questions I asked Mary was if she thought an eating disorder was a mental or physical issue. “Eating disorders are the only mental health issues that can directly kill you,” she said. “With other disorders, they can lead you to taking your own life or another’s life, but this is the only one that kills you without any actions from yourself to purposefully kill you.” Mary described it as being both the disease and the symptom. “It’s like you already have a mental health issue and then being pushed into an eating disorder, or having liver cancer and becoming an alcoholic for the heck of it.”

People can see the two illnesses separately, but together, they do not understand the effects that can ensue. If you combine anxiety and depression, it’s dangerous, and more of a common combination; but I never thought about how OCD and an eating disorder could go hand in hand. Thank you to Mary for enlightening me and allowing me to share her story to the rest of the world. Attached below are some links/books that Mary and I put together to help those struggling with eating disorders and/or OCD.

Spread love, spread resources.

Treating Anorexia and Co-Occuring OCD

WinterGirls by Laurie Halse Anderson

Helping Someone with an Eating Disorder

Eating Disorders Self-Help & Recovery Tips

How To Deal with OCD: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Symptoms, Treatment, and Self-Help for OCD

*Names may be changed for privacy of the interviewee.

 

For Those Back At The School Grind

As school as started back up again, so have I and all my free time has basically gone down the toilet. Thankfully, I am getting things done and studying harder than ever this year with good friends by my side.

However, I do know that this time of the year can be stressful, especially to many students who struggle with anxiety and depression. It can be hard to stay motivated to go to class and to not get overwhelmed with the amount of work you have to complete. The stress to succeed can weigh a person down more than anything else in this world.

According to Jackie Burrell in an article on The Spruce titled “College Teen Suicide Statistics”,  experts estimate 1 in 12 college students has made a suicide plan at some point and 1.5 out of every 100 have actually attempted it. According to the American College Health Association, the suicide rate among young adults has tripled since the 1950s and suicide is currently the second most common cause of death among college students.

A lot of it does in fact have to do with the constant stress of work and the lack of support system when going away from home for the first time. Sleep schedules go out of whack, exercise patterns become less existent, and eating becomes more unhealthy. The pressure to succeed is almost always what can cause all of these things to happen, but you’re never alone, even if you’re a thousand miles away from your closest relative.

Your school does want you to succeed, but they also want you to be mentally sound and have a little peace of mind. Mental Health Clinics should be available on your college campus, and usually included in your tuition, so there is no out of pocket expense for seeing a counselor/therapist.

At the University of Tennessee, Knoxville, the Counseling Center is in the Student Health Center on the second floor. You can call and schedule a triage appointment with their office and then you can start being seen regularly by a professional. Counseling was definitely one of the best decisions I made in my college career, especially after the loss of a friend.

Reaching out to professors could also be a big help as well, but you do have to reach out. Teachers have so many students that sometimes it’s hard for them to recognize you are struggling.  If your school has an Office of Disability, you are able to register with them to help get the accommodations you need for a physical or mental health problem. You can find UTK’s Office of Disability here, and find your college’s office through their website.

All-nighter’s are inevitable, and stress is just something that comes with the degree, but never sacrifice your mental well-being for success. If you think you might be suffering from depression, talk to a doctor. If you feel hopeless and have suicidal thoughts, please call the suicide hotline, or your campus crisis number. If you think someone might be struggling, reach out to them or call someone.

College is fun, but college is stressful. Pressure can put thoughts in your mind, and your mental health can decline rapidly. Don’t go through it alone, because you never truly are all by yourself.

Below are a few links to visit to help you manage stress during school, help you

Managing Stress In College

Dealing With Depression In College

How To Tell College Professors About Your Depression

Here’s Why You Should Go To Your School’s Counseling Center

Balancing Social Life and Study in the College World

Spread love, spread resources.

-Samantha

Struggling With Sleep

 

I, along with just about every other human being I know, have the hardest time falling asleep. I spend all day avoiding my problems and avoiding intrusive thoughts in my mind, but when my head hits the pillow, I am left with myself for that period of time before sleep comes. At that time, my head becomes so loud and I end up not falling asleep until early the next morning.

I do weekly counseling at my local health center, and last week I decided to bring up my lack of sleep to my counselor. She gave me some really good tips that I wanted to share with all of you. I also did some research on my own to find out what I was doing wrong and why I wasn’t falling asleep, which I’ll share as well.

First, my counselor told me to move my furniture around in my room. Move my bed, my dresser, my nightstand, etc. Having the same layout in your room for too long can condition your brain to not react properly when you get into bed. So, I gave it a go. I moved my bed around and my nightstand, and that night, I fell asleep within about an hour or two. That is truly astounding considering I was getting into bed at eleven and not sleeping until five the next morning.

Next, she told me to set out an hour in the day before bed time and use that hour to just worry. Grab a notebook or journal and just write down whatever I was worried about. Let me tell you, I was not a fan of this one at first. I hate thinking, I always like to be doing something to avoid thinking. But, yet again, I was desperate. I grabbed a notebook about an hour before getting into bed and I wrote down every single thing that was on my mind, no matter what it was. “I don’t own a checkbook, do I need one?” “Do I go to law school?” “Why do I think I won’t ever succeed?” “Why does my tapestry keep falling off my wall?” After that, I got into bed and only worried for about one hour instead of twelve.

Something I researched and found was that spending a lot of time in your bed during the day when you’re not planning on sleeping yet can really throw off your routine. Beds are for sleeping. Don’t eat in your bed, don’t surf the internet in your bed when it’s not bedtime (I’m being a hypocrite, I’m typing this in my bed right now, but pretend I’m not doing that). Then, your body will know that when you get into bed, it’s time to sleep. It’s worked great so far, I’ve even resorted to eating on the floor when I want to be in my room and not on my bed.

My mom also got me a bottle of melatonin, which also has changed my sleeping routine. It’s non-addictive, and a good choice for those who don’t want to mess with prescription meds. I also invested in a mattress pad, which might have been in the problem as well, because now I wake feeling better rested than before I bought one.

Here are some more articles that give some insight on trouble falling asleep:

How to Stop Anxiety When You’re Falling Asleep

5 New Tricks to Beat Insomnia

Melatonin and Sleep

Another problem a lot of people face, and that I recently have just started having trouble with, is sleep paralysis. According to WebMD, “Sleep paralysis is a feeling of being conscious but unable to move, and it occurs when a person passes between stages of wakefulness and sleep.”

A lot of times, sleep paralysis is frightening and can be very vivid and realistic in accordance to whatever dream someone was just having. I’ve stopped being able to recognize the differences between what truly happened in real life and what I’ve dreamt. Sometimes, it’s really silly stuff, like re-imagining an episode of Game of Thrones in my sleep and thinking that my version was the real one. Sometimes, it’s a little more dramatic. I’ll think I’ve had serious conversations with people, or that I’ve seen things that I actually didn’t see, and that can be challenging, as well as cause a few problems here and there.

I’ve not quite found the cure for my struggle with it, but here are some articles that might help if you think you might be going through the same issues with sleep paralysis and/or nightmares:

How To Stop Sleep Paralysis: 10 Prevention Strategies

Nightmares – Psychology Today

(Photo Series from featured photo by Nicolas Bruno)

If you have any tips or tricks on how you handle insomnia, sleep paralysis, night terrors, nightmares, or anything else that keeps you from a restful sleep, please feel free to share them in the comments or in a post and help others who are going through the same problems!

Keep up the good fight, let’s all work towards better sleep.

Spread love, spread resources.

-Samantha

A Little Insight On Anxiety

A good few weeks later, here’s a second blog post. I have to admit, it took me a while to figure out where I was planning to go from the last one, but I want to say thank you to everyone who had such amazing feedback and loving words. Mental health is extremely important to speak about, and I am happy I have the opportunity to speak about it to so many people at once through these posts.

These past few weeks, I’ve found my anxiety to be extremely prominent, which might be a reason as to why I hadn’t made a new post. My sleeping schedule has been insane from staying up all hours of the night worrying about and dwelling on the most ridiculous things. Everyday ‘challenges’ have become a bit more tedious for me to complete. For example, today I was on the sidewalk when a woman pushing a stroller started walking the same pace as me, right next to me. I knew I needed to be on the other side of her (my destination was on her side), and I immediately panicked. My brain kept telling me, “There’s no way you’re able to get to the other side of the sidewalk. None. No way, at all.” That sounds ridiculous, right? All I had to do was literally slow down and cross over to the other side.

This is how ridiculous anxiety can be, and how it can make the smallest situations seem like the biggest problems in the world. Anxiety is also something that constantly comes up with other mental illnesses, as well. If someone has depression, bipolar disorder, or even schizophrenia, it is likely they also have anxiety.

Anxiety has been the reason for a majority of my absence in group outings, appointments, and even one-on-one hangouts with friends. I become excited to do all of these things, then all of a sudden my brain decides its not happening. Someone’s anxiety can make them seem as if they are a “flake”, even when they want nothing more than to do what they originally had planned.

Anxiety can be provoked in silence, as well as too much talking. There is no middle ground for it, and a lot of times, there’s no justification for it showing up. I’ve had anxiety attacks in choir rehearsal from feeling overwhelmed by the number of people in the room. Panic attacks have come up sitting in business class, or eating lunch in the cafeteria.

Heck, my anxiety is kicking in just from writing this post.

A New York Times article by Robin Henig, says, “If you’re anxious, you find it difficult to talk yourself out of this foreboding; you become trapped in an endless loop of what-ifs.” (You can read the full article here: Understanding the Anxious Mind). It acts as a large wall that stands between you and your ultimate goal. You can’t climb over, you can’t go around, all you can do is sit and worry about how you’re going to be stuck on one side of that wall forever.

If you struggle with anxiety, you know the daily struggle and how loud it can be inside your head sometimes. If you are fortunate to not have to have that constant sense of dread around you, then please try and give time to those who worry that they don’t have it.

If you are looking for some nice anxiety coping mechanisms or how to help someone else ease their anxiety, here are a few I found/use:

6 Ways To Stop A Panic Attack When It’s Already Happening

How to Handle Someone Else’s Anxiety or Panic Attack

3 Effective Anxiety Breathing Exercises

Breathing In and Out With This GIF

(Photo Series by Katie Crawford as used in my featured image).

Spread love, spread resources.

-Samantha

 

The Story Behind It

For those who don’t know me, my name is Samantha McCarty, and I am from Central Illinois, where I spent eighteen years of my life and then promptly moved away after high school to study political science and pre-law at the University of Tennessee in Knoxville. I still remember the outfit I was wearing when I got accepted; my black athletic shorts, cheer tennis shoes, and my junior year cheerleading shirt. Moving away was a bit harder than I originally had planned it to be, but the people I met in Knoxville during my first few months made everything feel easier, as if Tennessee was made to be my second home. I met wonderful friends that, over a year later, I still see everyday.

Getting here was not so easy, though. Along with my struggles in high school maintaining grades and keeping a social life and avoiding a third concussion at all measures, there was a part of me that always felt off. I avoided friends, even when I knew I should’ve seen them. I had episodes of sadness and tiredness weekly, if not daily. I experienced thoughts of self-harm and suicide, which led to anger and confusion. This went on for most of my high school career, and was kept silent by me until the last day of senior year, when I finally spoke up about my mental health’s rapid decline to my doctor.

Now, I was never bullied in school. I had amazing friends and peers around me. Nobody ever taunted me or made fun of me, I was well-liked, and even Homecoming Queen my senior year. My depression was not from others, but from a chemical imbalance in my brain. Nobody “pushed” me into being sad or into having unhealthy thoughts. This, however, is just my story, and there are those who have been bullied and harassed to the point of major depression and suicidal thoughts or actions, and no one should ever have to deal with pain like that.

Anyway, I was put on medication for depression and anxiety, and have been taking medication(s) for the past three years of my life. It’s nothing I’m ashamed of, it’s just something that needs to be fixed in my body, and medicine helps it, and sometimes it takes a few tries with different medicines before we can figure it out.

So, here am I in Tennessee, surrounded by amazing people and always have the support of more amazing people back home. I ended up alright, but recently, life was altered in a huge way for me and many other people.

On November 15th, 2015, I met one of my favorite people that this world had to offer. Justin was standing outside after the Homecoming game at UT while I walked with a friend through campus. I don’t even have to look at photos to remember what I was wearing; my Tennessee sweater I had bought a week earlier, my leggings, brown riding boots, and an orange ear warmer. He immediately introduced himself to me, offered to walk me back to my dorm, and since then, we talked everyday the rest of the school year. He came all the way from Benton, Kentucky (or, as he liked to tell us, Possum Trot) to study engineering, going from a Kentucky Opry singer to a Tennessee Volunteer.

We were right back on track after Summer 2016 was over, as if we hadn’t even been separated for those long months in between. But after about five days on campus, I was sent back to Illinois from a lacerated spleen, enlarged liver, and a bad case of mono. It was heartbreaking, but I knew I had to recover before heading back to Rocky Top. Justin Snapchatted me constantly about how he couldn’t wait for me to get back and sent me texts about how much fun he was having on campus. It gave me something to look forward to, coming back.

I got back to campus the following semester, and spent every evening before classes began with Justin and all of our friends, even meeting new friends Justin had acquired over the previous semester. After classes, I remember all the fun things we all did together. All the nights at Justin, Collin, and Zach’s apartment surrounded by such cool people, the surprise birthday party my wonderful roommate, Keily, threw me where all of my best friends came, including Justin. I remember what I was wearing that night, too; jeans, my white Converse, a white tee, and a green jacket Keily let me borrow.

For my 20th birthday, I went to Calhouns on the River with more of my favorite people, Keily, Justin, Zach, Madison, and another one of Justin’s pals. I was wearing jeans, my sparkly chevron shirt, a pink button down over it, and my white Converse.

After dinner, Justin took me and all of our friends to a glitter party. He let me borrow his jacket, which I still have. I wore it, a white t-shirt, jeans, and my white Converse.

You may be wondering, why am I constantly bringing up what I was wearing? Well, these are all memories that affected my life, and I remember every detail. I remember where we were, what phase the moon was in on the nights we were out too late and if the sun was shining during the daytime. Something that you live with constantly, though, is the clothing. You say things like, “Should I wear that shirt I wore to the Alabama game?” or, “You remember that hat I wore when we went to the pool last weekend?”

On Wednesday, March 1st, 2017, I was wearing a t-shirt I had gotten from the Women’s March in Knoxville, my leggings, and my white Converse. I received a phone call from a great friend of mine who told me of Justin’s death the night before.

On March 4th, in Benton, Kentucky, surrounded by many of Justin’s friends and family, I wore my roommates black skirt, my orange button down top, and a black cardigan to the visitation.

On March 5th, I wore my black cardigan, orange necklace, and black dress to the funeral.

My point is that that dress was supposed to be just a dress. I was supposed to wear that dress to family reunions, important dinners, or to job interviews. Now, it hangs in my closet and will stay there until I come to terms with getting rid of it. That dress was not supposed to be worn to a friend’s funeral.

This blog is to talk about mental health. This blog is to keep clothes being “just clothes”. I didn’t know Justin was hurting, and many others were unaware, as well. It’s time to talk. It’s time we stop labeling the idea of mental illness as “crazy” or “too touchy”. Keep your outfits for happy times. Don’t have your own “black dress”.